taong bahay

Its been three days since I last went out of the house.. I hate to question God for what is happenning on me right now.. I still hold on my belief that is everything is happening for some great reason, reasons that we will never knew untill an unexpected event will happen, and make us think that GOd had prepare us for that..

im Too complicated

As we grow old, there are lots of things that we become aware of, like for me I got an answer to the question ive been asking for the longest time but still it doesnt end there. The results become more complicated for me : (.

When I was still in college Ive been asking myself what I really wanna do after graduation, Im I happy? Im I satisfied? or I wanna be somebody? There is always a voice behind me on evrything I dne for the past years, the voice that guide through my future, but sometimes whenever I fail I always regret that I follow that voice, but still inside me im always thankful.

When I decided to come home for good I finally set my mind on what will I do, I asked my parents If I can go back to school and pursue med, when they agreed I talk to all people concerns and they all approved for the step I will make. But then again.. Just recently I received a phone call from my uncle asking to complete my papers and somebody is willing to apply me for a work permit, inside me I wanted to go but I wanted to be a doctor and there comes my glenn asking "kailan na tyo mgpapaksal?" ahhhhhh I wanted to scream! I wanted to ask!! I wanted to......

why? why? why? when I finally knew what to do, when I finally got the answers it comes in three, now my problem is what to choose??

I want to be a doctor, but I want to get married and have children before im 30 but I also want to see the world :(

last day out with friends..

This will be my last day out.. next week im heading home for good. I am quite happy with the decision i have made, I am very positive about it. I know that England is not the end of everything for me. There's a lot more chances or opportunity that awaits me, all I need is to stay positive and to keep on believing.

All I need is a month long of complete rest and for sure my back is ready to take off again and seek for another adventure. Im looking forward to it and so excited!!

the question I dont know the right answer

When somebody knew that Im going home for good they always ask me the same question, "bakit uuwi kn?". For me that is a very personal question to answer. i couldnt tell them that gusto ko nman asikasuhin ang personal kong buhay. because there are reasons that some people wouldnt understand or will fail to understand. I know I wouldnt have to please anybody for me to think for the right answer and not owe them an explanation. But I hate when somebody ask me and I just smile at them, because I myself dont know whats the real truth or maybe I just dont want to admit it. (magulo din ako noh!)

Kasi nman everytime I answer them "gusto ko lang!". They started to frown and wouldnt believe. If I said I will get maried. hmmmm I will just get frustrated for making myself believe when Im not. : (

reality bites

My flight going home is booked already. It was 1 month ahead as I planned. I wanted to stick with my original plan but I dont know if my back would bear it any longer. So for more or less seven weeks to go my England adventure will finish. I'd like to let it finished that i am still complete and healthy rather than going home with asistance, as you know what I mean.

My mother decided last night that i better go home the soonest time as possible. I know I got her worried last night but I couldnt think of anyone else who will sympathize deeply with my agony. I was really in extreme pain that i couldnt explain how im feeling. I was scared as well that i would end up paralyze and not able to accomplish all my dreams.

I have to give all this up to stay healthy and be with my family. Goodbyes are difficult to say rather than saying hello. Its hard but i need to move on. I'll be back to zero, new environment, new friendship and new adventure..

my life's turning point

I was once ask, what is my life's turning point?. At that time, i couldnt find any answer to that question, because at that time there's wasnt much to tell, nothing happend to me that have changed my life and realize what i really wanted. Because before, I was just staying home, at one point I helped dad in his business ( and I proved that Im not a good business person LOL) and I stayed with my nanay to have a rest to recover from a serious illness (which i thought that will end my life. OTT).


Anyway, now I can say that being here in England was my life's biggest turning point. Here I learned to survive without my parents around, I am the captain of my ship and I am the master of my mind and i failed and stood up and survived all the things that at one time i thought I will just hide under and let things happen. I build up my confidence in some way but not all the time, I found a true friends whom I laugh and cried with, I learned to be more domesticated, I found the true me, the real me and the new me. I may change physically, emotionally, spiritually (i become closer to God) and mentally. but evrything is for my self improvement and to survive all the things around me.


I am very thankful with all these experience that one day when i look back, my tears will fall not because of I regret but because this part of my life is one of the happiest and memorable.

end

Why things get harder and harder when somethings are about to end? like at work, i only got a few months remaining and things are getting difficult as it should'nt be. naakalungkot lng kasi all the people you've loved before are starting to leave one by one at the place we all once loved. Pero kagaya ko I'm leaving England for good, Its my decision to moved on and seek another adventure for me, and like them why they should remain in one place na hindi nman na sila happy db? haaayy sana lng kc naka alis n me before they all moved out noh.. anyway, its good na rin at least its not very hard for me, if its my time to leave the place. but still its very sad. :(

nasa isip ko lang..

haaaay naku.. earlier today i fixed one of my box going to philippines, it was a mixed emotion. nalungkot naman ako bigla, ewan ko ba.. pero natutuwa n rin naman ako at finally e malapit ko n uling makasama yung family ko. kaya isip ko n lang magkakaiba tayo ng kapalaran, hindi ito ang para sa akin, marami pang pwedeng mangyari sa akin sa pinas n baka mas masaya ako dun. haaayy (im I trying to convince my self or what? hehe..)

any way as I said, magkakaiba tyo, meron akong mga kakilala graduate ng magandang skul, pero anu? ng-asawa, ng pk nanay sa ibang bansa.. o di ba masaya cia?!. kaya di ba dapat lang nman hanapin natin ang mga bagay na makapagpapasaya sa atin at hindi ang mga bagay na matutustusan ang mga materyal na bagay na panganagilangan ntin..

Sasayangin ko nga ang opportunity na ito pero, pupunta nman ako sa lugar n kung saan masaya ako. kasi nman para sa akin routine n ang buhay ko dito, bahay, work, school.. tsaka sayang nman yung binabayad ko sa skul at nabasa ko pa sa home office n my bago namang law ung Home office. mg id n daw.. naku e mas lalo ng masusugsog kung napasok k o hindi.. hehe.. haaayy tama n gusto ko ng iwan ang mga prblema dito. gusto ko nman ng bagong adventure.. bagong challenge naman..tama n cguro ang tatlong taon ko dito..

i say..

yesterday somebody asked me again if im really goin home and i said yes, i knew for the fact that my friend was against it, he kept on teling me that im going to waste my opportunity, im already here and i can build my dreams here.. I knew i can, and i tried it already for almost three years but nothing happened. I dont blame this country or anyone for it., i just accept the reality that this may be not my land and my dreams are yet to fulfill in another place at the right time. I cant explain to everyone else what my heart desires, i just follow what i think is right for me and if i fell down for the second time I only have myself to blame for everything.

kaw kasi e.. panu na?

bkit ganun? di ba kaya ka nman nagseselos kc natatakot kang mawala yung taong mahal mo, natatakot k n maagaw ng iba? db?? e panu kung m-miss interpret? panu kung ang isipin ina-under mo n cya panu un? at panu kung sabihin syo n pinaparusahan mo n cya sa mga ginagawa mo para sa kanya.. masakit db?? anu bang tama? pabayaan cla at mag intay n lng?? panu kung sa loob ng isang araw di ka n-miss, at sabihin sayo n inaway mo kasi? panu un? anung mararamdaman mo? kaw kc e, masyado k magmahal.. teka mali ba un?

shut up!

last night i just got hurt for some reason, i prove to it that blood is thicker than water.. a relative of mine is facing a big trouble, i havent confirmed it personally, i just heard it from hearsay, the news broke last week and it has been named to me just recently, at first, its ok, i just kept quiet anyway i dont know what really happened and we're not really close, but last night when i heard a somebody talk about her its just, i wanted to tell them off, she's still a fellow filipino and we're foreigner in this country, why just dont we support her in silence and keep things to ourself.. i thought eventhough we're not close and very seldom to see each other she's still my cousin and whatever i heard still hurt me..

deCided but still cOnfused.. : (

ive been hunted with some thoughts for a few days now and the advice im getting from friends made me more confused..(siggghhh)

because of the things going around my work place im thinking of cutting my stay short (as i said in my last blog) because i dont have any assurance what will happen tom, if im still be having a job or their own law of convinience has changed again and we will be the one who will suffer from it. (long siggghhh again..) im beginning to panic and couldnt work like before. just last night i notice that i can be annoyed easily and can loose patient completely and i hate myself being all that.. so i just walked away and talk to myself that its not fair for them to be affected or be the one n mapagbuntunan ng lahat ng ngyayari..

i asked four friends and i got a four different answer as well that made me totally confused.. haaaayy

personally, i am decided that whatever will happen i will not re-new my visa for so many reasons that some people wouldnt understand, so i woundnt detailed it much. i thought it many times and end up with a same solution.

i just keep in mind that there is life after all of these and this place is not the end of my dreams, but leaving it and ending it will be a new beginning of something great, this is not my land. but this country has thought me many things and i will keep it and be my guidelines with the new journey im going to take

i wish and hope that all the person close to my heart will understand that i have to this for some reason and another. i will take all the memories, laughs, cries and the friendship you offer me..

glenn_joan

*when and where did you first meet?
-as friends, in SM Mla, in front of national bookstore and he's late.

*how about in being a couple?
-same venue, but we met 7 days after we become a couple.

*when did you become an item?
-october 2 2002

*how long you've been together?
-5 years 6 months 2 weeks and 3 days

*are you happy?
-very much, i cant ask for someone else.

*any plans of tying the knot?
-it has been talk a few times but no definite or solid plan yet, but we're considering 2010.

*where is He now?
-he's currently working in riyadh as aircraft mechanic.

*miss him?
-if i only could pull the time.

*how would you describe Him?
-glenn is a listener, loner and emotional, He's not showy so sometimes you'll be doubtfull about him but when he tell you something its very intense and you'll just feel all the love inside him.
he got so many plans and he's working hard for that.

*how about you, how would you describe yourself?
-sometimes im more of a pessimistic than optimistic. im on my lowest point at this time but im trying to rebuild my life back, i know im on a situation but i also know im still safe because i still can talk about it, i have this grudges against some persons that i consider them as a friend. so many things to say but i know one of this day ill be fine.

*are you content about your life as a whole?
-definitely i am, we cannot avoid some circumstances but i am happy and perfectly fine in what is happening with me right now. im happy that im experiencing all of this and it has a lot to do with who i am now and with my perception in life. im thakfull for all the friends and loveones who supported me.

*any regrets?
-nope. evrything happened for some reason or another and God is with us all the way.

*anything you want to say to your partner?
-thanks for all the advice, help and for simply being there.. i cannot get through with all of these without your loving words and patience in listening with me.. stay the same and ill see you soon! ako lng mahal mo!! mwaaahh love you much!